What happened to Joe? (the Fulfillment of a Passionate Yearning)

by Joebaby on July 14, 2011

(Caveat: If you read this post and feel like there is something wrong or needs fixing, I invite you to sink deeper… :)

Its been over a month since I returned from India… and I see now more than ever the profound effect my experiences there have had on me…

Spending 6 weeks in a process of divine inquiry has ignited my desire for complete immersion with the Divine… Now, back into ‘my life’, while I have great appreciation for the joy and beauty and abundance, I also find myself restless and unsettled…

In the past four weeks I’ve had profound connections, joyful abundance, deep insights, beautiful romance, ongoing discovery, miracles galore, but strangely, I do not stay satisfied…

I go in and out, up and down… in the moment, immersed in Life’s beauty, I am happy and ecstatic… then the clouds roll in, the tide shifts, and I find myself profoundly restless and lonely, filled with a yearning that promises to overwhelm me completely…

In India they spoke of ‘God Realization’. I read Yogananda’s ‘Autobiography of a Yogi’ as a teenager, and I’ve read it at least once a decade since. I know what they’re talking about… a depth of intimacy with God, a closeness that beckons and taunts, calls out to us from some heavenly place within, a depth of intimacy that is so dear that tears start rolling down my face when I even think about it… (yes, they’re rolling now…)

This is what we all want; this is the original yearning… to be One with the Divine, Immersed with the Beloved, Totally Merged with the One True Soulmate…

I’m in an apartment by myself in Bimini, spending my mornings in contemplation/distraction/prayer and my afternoons out on my little rubber boat enjoying the magnificence of the ocean I love so much… I have beautiful friends here and yet I am isolating myself; last night was dance night and I stayed out on the water by myself; something yearning, gnawing within me, daring me to let this gnawing dig deeper, burn a hole straight into the ugly stinky yearning for God that has festered since the moment we agreed to play the game of ‘other’ infinite eons ago…

There are many ways I avoid this emptiness; read, watch TV, immerse myself in any number of projects that await me… I have coaching clients waiting for me to resume, my voicemail says I’m still in India, and somehow I have changed none of this, preferring instead to just be with this emptiness, this yearning…

‘Get a Life’ the mind says, ‘Jump back in the stream’ it encourages… but my heart, it says stop and feel, and so I feel and in the feeling, I allow the suffering and yearning I’ve run from forever to overtake me…

Yesterday, amidst another wave of feeling helpless and uncertain of what the hell I’m doing, of thinking I’m friggin’ crazy and need to get a life, I pull one of my Course in Miracles cards. It said:

“Nothing can prevail against a Son of God who commends his spirit into the Hands of his Father.”

Reading it triggers grief, hopelessness and relief; relief at the possibility that this yearning has an end…

I have reprieves… yesterday while looking for my dinner out on the sea a big grouper dared me to catch him… I chased him into a ledge, we played hide and seek for an hour, and my attention was solely on bringing him home to feed me and my friends. I say prayers, talk to him as we do our hunter/gatherer dance, invite him home, but in the end he splits and a beautiful Spanish mackerel swims over to me and takes his place.

I clean my catch out on the ocean in my little boat, watching the sun drop lower in the sky… I don’t want to clean the fish at the dock, preferring the solitude of the sea instead… while cleaning, I give thanks to the fish, his life feeding my own, feeling the dichotomy of life and death, give and take, the seeming polarities this world is ripe with…

The emptiness returns and I feel the yearning for company, of friends and laughter and conversation… If I hurry, I can still make it over to south island and join in the fun… But I know that the joy of this is temporary and soon enough I will again be faced with this loneliness, this aching…

I turn again to the yearning for God, feel it alive within me… I nurture it like a hot coal from which to make the evening’s fire… maybe tonight, maybe next time you will burn clean through me…

Back at the dock I’m hailed by two friends, it is great to see them… we share fresh sashimi, I cut up the mackerel right on the dock, and between bites of raw fish and oranges, we appreciate our dinner and the ocean’s offering. Eating the fish while standing in the water a crab scuttles across my foot, demanding his share of the booty… I cut off a piece and hand it to him happily; there is more than enough for everyone… Several more friends stop by, check out my catch, and then I’m on my bike, pedaling home in the dark, to my cave and refuge…

My internet connection is gone, there is no web for me to distract myself with… I turn on the TV for a bit, surf endless dramas and realities with a flick of a finger, knowing I am distracting myself from diving into this yearning.…

Finally, restlessly, I flop onto the bed, give space for this yearning to rise up within me… my heart center, my whole chest expands, the breath becoming softer, wider… I feel myself rising in love…

I am the vessel, a cup, the water level rising higher, higher…

Gently, easily, under its own power and grace the tide of love comes in… As beautiful as it feels, waves of discomfort come with it, discomfort in many forms; physical discomfort (my shoulder’s sore, I ought to roll over), resistance (its late, I ought to get some sleep), tensions from other places and lifetimes…

But the love, it surrounds me, holding me where I am in pain… I vacillate between simply feeling and the mind’s litany of reasons to run…

The scariest of all is the voice of hopelessness, the voice that said “I cannot, I dare not, go any further, because to dive into this yearning further and not have total union with you will completely break my heart… the grief of coming this close and then falling back again, I cannot… “

But I have pulled away from this grief too many times, and somehow, through an act of grace or surrender I know not, ‘I’ stay…

Awareness comes and goes, I’m floating in a sea of bliss, my breath coming naturally of its own accord… I marvel at the effortlessness of it and the pure joy of expansion…

And then the energy shifts, the grace pulls back… I try to ‘pick it up’, try to re-ignite, but the tide is falling…

In India the Guides and Bhagwan speak about the illusion of self effort and the grace of helplessness. Self effort will only slow the process, they say, and so I surrender again and again. Helplessness allows the Divine to step in, so I pray for helplessness…

Remembering all this I give up, roll over and sadly go to sleep, wanting that hot coal to burn completely through me… I pray that maybe it will happen in my sleep, but I have strange dreams, poking around in old dark places… we have traveled many paths on this journey of life…

I wake today, start again, and pull another card… it says:

“It takes great learning to understand that all things,

events, encounters and circumstances are helpful.”

I give thanks for all of this, ALL of it…

And decide to write down this yearning… its been a month since I posted a blog. I’ve started many beautiful posts, but always end up in a pause… I have been in too deep an inner inquiry to share much…

Writing this, typing out and reading the honesty of these words, tears come to my face… they flow easily, tumbling down my cheeks… much healing had happened since India, I have given myself full permission to seek the greatest relationship, the greatest path, the greatest adventure I could ever dream of; complete Union with the Divine… nothing else can come close, and yet everything and everyone IS this relationship… the mind scurries, flitting from one viewpoint to another as I surrender to this process, knowing that the Union I seek is inevitable, the Oneness we yearn for never left, and even this ‘search’ is an illusion…

India, Bhagwan, the Guides, they remind, inspire and awaken within me the passion to go for the greatest ride this world has to offer; complete God Realization… I am present to the game and up for the task… I am doing everything and nothing, and I have the hem of Her robe in my grasp… I am hanging on, hopefully and helplessly, lonely and happily, totally ecstatically…

The grief and the yearning has become strangely comforting, it brings God back into my awareness, back into my life, into me… I choose this over not feeling, I choose this over boredom, I am supremely thankful…

There are many days I am full and complete, I am hugely blessed in how much I feel Life coursing through this body… its just that somehow, I know to allow this yearning its due, to fully surrender and feel it, will only bring me greater, richer rewards…

I feel it creeping closer, closer… “You are mine” the Divine whispers… “Soon you will have me completely…” And so I let this fire rage, let it burn itself through me however it may, give myself utterly to it… grief and joy leap forth…I am ready to be swallowed, spit out into a wholeness where the rest of me awaits, watching my every step, cheering me on with total equanimity…

We are all awakening, giving permission to feel a depth of calling and oneness so deep that our knees buckle and we swoon at its presence… we spontaneously break into tears, overcome with the beauty, tragedy and magic of being human at this most precious time in our evolution…

This yearning has become so sweet, I almost don’t want it to pass… for it focuses me completely on the Beloved… do I want to be completely merged? Do I want to become fully One? A part of me is not sure, not ready to give up being a drop to join the ocean, for the love of Other, the Beloved, is so incredibly sweet it makes this whole journey a blessing…

All I know is I know not… there is no longer any choice, only the full surrendering to this amazing grace…

There is nowhere else I’d rather be…

This is my day, this is my week, this is my life… I get up and move forward; smiling, breathing, trembling…

*       *       *       *       *       *      *

I will be returning to India for another 4 week Deepening retreat this October 23rd to November 21st with a group of fellow Oneness Trainers and Blessing Givers. This is a very powerful retreat to expedite your awakening and God Realization. You can attend for one, two, three or all four weeks. If you are interested in joining us, please call me (954-242-5830) or send me an email at oneness@planetarypartners.com.

Check out the upcoming ‘Deeksha, Oneness & Dolphins’ trip to the Bahamas this August 1 – 6th

© Joe Noonan

Some of my friends out in the ocean

Joe’s upcoming dolphin trips & events

JOE NOONAN is an author, speaker, life coach and spiritual guide. He leads Leadership and Nature retreats around the world and facilitates self awareness programs for those on the path of awakening.

A guest on National Geographic, Fox TV and Oprah, Joe reflects back to people that this world is already a Heaven on Earth, and that the tools to find joy in the moment are around and within us. Following are some of his programs:

Custom Wild Dolphin Trips!

Self Awakening Seminars

Creating Conscious Corporations  

Joe’s videos on YouTube
Joe’s blog ‘Everyday Ecstasy’

Join Joe on Facebook

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