Walking the steps of my childhood, whispering words of encouragement

by Joebaby on October 31, 2010

I visited the town I grew up in as a kid today… Windham, Maine, about 10 miles inland from Portland. It was very powerful and brought up a lot of feelings…

I walked the edge of the same country road I walked every day to school; past the hill we used to sled down in winter, past the fields where I picked corn as a young farm worker, past the pond where I fished…

Many of the days I walked this road as a kid, I was sad and lonely… feeling out of place, awkward, not fitting in. I didn’t fit in at home, I didn’t fit in at school, I didn’t fit in with the kids in the neighborhood… I felt so out of place, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere, and it caused a profound sense of despair. The thought of suicide, of taking my own life to put an end to the obvious mismatch of me and this world, was a thought that shadowed many of my steps.

Back then, I thought I was the only kid who felt that way… Now I know that most of us felt that loneliness as a kid; it is the loneliness of forsaking our connection with our inner knowing, to try and belong to a world that does not honor true feelings and knowings…

As I walked along this road today, I walked beside the me that was a kid… I felt the depths of my despair, my deep aching cry to feel a sense of belonging, any sense of comfort that yes, I fit in. As I re-traced these steps, I remembered stopping to marvel at the colors of the roadside pebbles on rainy days and spring thaws, revealing flashes of hidden light from the wetness. I remembered the great blue heron  that would startle me with the flapping of his wings, breaking me from my thoughts as he took flight from the quiet of the pond. I climbed down and peered into the culvert that carried the stream under the road, a culvert I’d crawled thru as a kid.

As I walked today, I reached out to the lonely me of my youth, told myself that everything’s ok, that things get better, that I’m perfect just as I am… I shared with him words of comfort that spontaneously came forth…

It was very healing, I felt the younger me receiving my love… I flashed back and forth, in and out of time, until there were not two of me but one, both the old and the new, looking out at the world from the same two eyes, traversing the path of my youth with the same two legs.

Then I turned down my street, looked with wonder at the trees lining both sides of the road; trees that I walked beneath every day for years!

My love for these trees jumped out of me; I swooned at the love between us… and I felt the child me, and his love of these trees… and then I felt the tree’s love for me; back then and right now…

I came to the big spruce at the end of the yard, my favorite place to go and hide… a huge girth of a trunk, its thick array of strong branches, close together, easy to climb… This tree was one of my first secret places, a tall sentry between the painful reality of of denial and deceit that was the curse of my family heritage, and the strong quiet comfort that Nature so readily gave… I would climb these branches, sit on the smooth sway of their arc, and, hidden in the aura of her cloak, I would sit and cry and be strangely comforted…

I don’t remember what was said; only the sense of love and connection. This tree was my family, is my family, it nurtured and loved and accepted me in a way that my biological family couldn’t. Not because they didn’t want to but because they were too present to their own pain to recognize mine… The tree gave me belonging, camaraderie, community in ways that I didn’t understand but clearly felt. I dare say it kept me alive.

And standing before it today, I know I don’t have to be in its physical presence to feel it; its always present within me, just think of it and it is here…

I still have times of struggle, still feel the loneliness of despair, when the beauty and love and visions I feel so strongly within me seem of little or no value to the rest of my species. I still have times where the fear of being unable or of not having enough time to communicate the magic of what I see causes me to be overwhelmed in hopelessness…

And still, when I feel this overwhelm, this sense of despair, I go where I have always gone to receive comfort; I go to Nature. Here I am held, here I am joined, here I am one with all the beauty and the grace…

Even now, as I face the noisy clamor of fear and insecurities within me, I have the presence of mind to relax and soften. As I do, I feel the presence of a wiser me, a more compassionate and loving me,  comforting and reassuring me that yes, all is well and all is beautiful…

© Joe Noonan

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appreciation, gratitude, law of attraction, loa, law, attraction, abraham, Abraham-hicks, joe noonan, transformation, world, gaia, joy, love, life, celebration, oneness, planetary, planetary partners, joyful, a joyful nature, nature, healing, abundance,

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